Inside Darren

As many of you may know, I currently read meters for a living. This does not mean that you can call me a “meter maid” – only men who read parking meters may be derided in that fashion.

I read electric meters, and in some areas, water meters. I do not read gas meters. It’s not that I don’t like gas, or the meters that measure it – anyone who has been around me after I’ve eaten onions knows that me and gas are on fairly intimate terms. It’s just that the company I work for does not deal with gas meters in my area.

As I progress through my day, walking or driving from house to house, punching numbers into my portable computer-device, I occasionally come across the residents of the properties I’m on (“customers”, as we say in the industry), and from time to time, I’ll have some light small-talk with these people.

It’s amazing how many times I’ll hear the same comments, or the same supposedly “witty” jokes, throughout my workday. Therefore, for those of you who are not familiar with these comments, I offer you a small selection of them, with my own commentary.

“That time of the month again, eh?” – This one I don’t mind so much. It gives me the chance to say “Yep, sure is! Your mental calendar is killer!” The only people you don’t want to say that first quote to are women when you’re in the midst of a disagreement with them. That could be fatal.

“Knock a little off the top, will ya?!” - I hear this one a lot, and for some reason, everyone thinks that they’re the first ones to come up with this dazzling piece of witty banter. Sometimes I respond to this by saying “You know, I’ve never heard that one before!”, but I find that I get confused or nasty looks when I say that. So now I just say “No problem!”, and tack a few extra kilowatt hours onto their reading for lack of originality.

“Oh, we don’t use electricity here…” – This is usually followed by something like “We have a generator” or “We run on solar power” or “We have a Mexican houseboy running on a wheel in the back”. Usually I respond with “Well, just let me double check to be sure”, and quietly move on to the next house when I’m done. Just once, after reading their meter, I should walk back to the customer and yell “You’re a damn liar!” while kicking their car.

“Go easy on us, okay?” – As if I actually have any say as to where the dials on their meter are pointing. All I can say to this is “I’ll do my best”, and then pretend to look at the meter really hard when entering the numbers (which means taking five seconds to read the meter instead of two). I think the best answer, though, would be to simply say “No” with a straight face, and then crack up laughing after I take the reading.

“Oh, you don’t have to read it this month!” or “You can skip this house!” People say these with the false assumption that if the meter isn’t read, then they won’t get a bill. Let me be straight with you: The utility company will always send you a bill, even if they have to estimate the amount. Plus, my paycheque depends on my boss getting his money from you, so no, I’m sorry, but I do have to read your meter. Also, you’re dumb.

I hope this list of phrases commonly spoken to meter readers has helped enlighten you as to what we think when you say these things to us. Next time, try saying something more original. Here are a few suggestions:

“Can I get you a drink, and perhaps a tasty potato-based snack?”

“We had our dog put down so that he wouldn’t bother you anymore!”

“How much is it customary to tip a meter reader?”

Any of these phrases would be wonderful to hear sometime. So remember folks, be nice to your local utility meter reader, and if we step in your flower bed from time to time, it’s only so that we can get the job done faster, and keep your bills lower!