Inside Darren

No, you didn’t misread that title. Here’s what this post is all about:

Now that we’ve reached the end of the year, anyone and everyone is putting out their list of the top [whatever] of 2005. Even as I write this, I myself am anxiously awaiting the completion of my friend Chuck’s Top Ten Movies of 2005 List, so that I can post it on The Proto Review Blog.

In my unyielding quest to consistently (yet sporadically) offer my loyal readers (both of you) some choice morsels of life-enhancing content, I have taken it upon myself to scour the vast expanse of the internet, and present to you what could possibly be the only top ten list that you will have to read this holiday season.

Yes, dear friends, I spent upwards of 20 minutes meticulously scanning through search engine results, sorting wheat from chaff, weed from flower, and flavorful cheese puff from throat-gagging pretzel, to bring you this: The Top 10 “Top 10 of 2005 Lists” List of 2005!

10. The 10 Worst Jobs in Science

From “Orangutan-Pee Collector” to “Kansas Biology Teacher”, these are the jobs you don’t want to get after you finish that Physics or Chemistry degree. Say what you will about Linguistics, at least you don’t get peed on. Much.

9. Top 10 Must-Haves of 2005

Now, this is “must-haves” in the technology department. Don’t expect to click on that link and find “An unlimited supply of Lindor white chocolate” (which, incidentally, I practically have, thanks to my generous and single-minded relatives this past Christmas). Just be warned that if you plan on buying everything on this list, you’ll need to be making more money than a humble Utility Meter Reader brings in.

8. The Top 10 External and Internal Computer Vulnerabilities

Alright folks, I gotta be honest. I really don’t know what this particular list is supposed to mean. I think that you’ve got to attain some special level in the “Geekdom Hierarchy” in order to understand this. Since I myself am still at “Novice Geek, level 3″ (aspiring to make it to “Intermediate Geek, Apprentice” by mid-2006), I can’t interpret the information offered on this list by myself. But I’m sure that someone, somewhere, finds it extremely important.

7. 10 Most Dangerous Toys of 2005

Is there a young child in your life that you’d like to see bodily harm and discomfort visited upon? I certainly hope not, because if that’s the case, you’re a hollow shell of a human being, masquerading as a decent and relatively hygienic individual. But for those of you who are soul-less shards of pure evil in bodily form, feel free to give your child one of the toys found on this list.

6. Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

I occurs to me, as I look over this list of movies, that I haven’t actually seen a single one of these ten movies at all. Not even King Kong. I’ve generally been too busy getting Christmas stuff together, planning my wedding, and re-watching Narnia. I’m sure that these movies are all worth watching. I’m not sure about that gay cowboy one, though…

5. 2005 Top 10 List of Strangest and Funniest Data Disasters

This is a list of crazy stories from Ontrack Data Recovery, as they sought to help people, you guessed it - recover their data this past year! In each instance, the data was indeed recovered. The lesson to be learned from this list is: Back up your data! Don’t have a backup made? Stop reading this and do it now! Then come back and finish reading this!

4. Top 10 Skateboarding Gifts Under $10

Is there a special “Skater Boi” or “Skater Gurl” in your life who you’d like to buy a gift for? And also, are you cheap? Well then, this is the list for you! Pimp that board, or accessorize your soon-to-be-injured wrists and fingers with the latest in cheap skating merchandise, and all for less than the price of a decent previously-viewed DVD! Unleash the frugal societal reject in you!

3. Top 10 Spammers Worldwide

Ever wonder who the names and faces are behind all that junk email you receive? What kind of person would continuously send you emails, asking you if you’d like “free meds”, “enlargement pills”, or “easy access to the hottest overweight midget pictures online”? Just take a look at this list, because chances are that these people are responsible for 80% of the junk that lands in your inbox. If you happen to see one of these people on the street, feel free to give them a hearty push into oncoming traffic, on behalf of internet users everywhere.

2. National Geographic Top Ten News Photos of 2005

My favourite pictures on this list are the Japanese Robot Woman and the Giant Catfish. Since a picture says a thousand words, I’m just going to let you look at the pictures for yourself, instead of trying to describe them here.

1. Top Ten Web Design Mistakes of 2005

Anyone who is interested in having a presence on the web, be it a blog or otherwise, should read this list carefully. I came across it in the early days of starting this blog, and much of the wisdom found here has helped me in trying to make this blog less annoying for you, the viewer. What I really need, however, is a new host, since Inside Darren takes forever to load. If it decides to load at all. My abject apologies if your coffee got cold while waiting to read this latest blog entry.

So there you have it, the only list you need to read until the end of this year. I feel like I should perhaps give you some end-of-the-year advice, to close off 2005. How about this: Marry someone beautiful - it makes for really amazing pictures.

UPDATE: Two more cool links to check out:

The Top Word Lists for 2005: The words that all the cool kids are saying. Or were saying, in 2005, that is.

Cool Charts of Trends from 2005: Charts from this past year, showing you how trends ranked against each other. I.e. Coke vs Pepsi, Evolution vs Intelligent Design, Christmas vs Halloween. Based on percent of posts in blogs.

As the “holiday lull” (that odd period of time between Christmas and New Year’s) weighs upon us, we bring you a strange and slightly disturbing piece of news from our contacts at the North Pole. Be warned, however, that if your children read this news, it could have dire repercussions for their behaviour at home.

One of the elves at Santa’s workshop, going only by the name “Twinkle” (possibly a pseudonym), is encouraging children to misbehave, in an effort to shorten Santa’s “Nice List”. According to Twinkle, 2005 was a particularly stressful year for the elven workers, and he’s hoping that a shorter Nice List will mean less long hours and tiring labour for Christmas 2006.

“Let’s face it,” says Twinkle, “Being an elf may have it’s benefits, but when it comes to working 12 hour shifts ‘on the line’ all year until Christmas, ‘minimum wage plus free candy canes’ just doesn’t cut it.”

While Santa himself could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson from the Elven Workers’ Union assured us that all the elves employed at Santa’s Workshop are indeed being treated fairly, and are enjoying the numerous benefits provided by their latest contract negotiation, including up to 3 weeks summer vacation, basic dental coverage, and a 15% discount at the local Starbucks.

“You non-elven-folk don’t know what it’s like to be put on reindeer duty first thing in the morning, and then still have to fill your toy quota before punching out,” complains Twinkle. “After shoveling 20 lbs of Rudolph’s ex-dinner, the last thing you want to do is sit at a conveyor belt soldering circuitboards for Roboraptors all day.”

In addition to the popular Roboraptor line, Santa’s workshop has also landed a lucrative contract for the manufacture of the Apple iPod nano, and is expected to be a major shipper of these products for this coming year. Santa himself handles the distribution of all products created at his facilities, and his distribution area is directly proportional to the number of children appearing on his Nice List. Children on the Naughty List are not factored into manufacturing quotas, and according to Twinkle, the lengthening of the Naughty List can only mean easier labour conditions for North Pole elves.

“I’d personally like to encourage every child to work extra hard at being naughty this year,” says Twinkle. “Burning Santa in effigy is always an easy route to the Naughty List, although every deliberately damaged household item or boldly proclaimed swear word helps. My personal goal is to see a 20% decline in the number of children on the Nice List by late October of 2006.”

With an estimated 2.1 billion children worldwide currently on Santa’s Nice List, it looks like Twinkle is going to have his work cut out for him. So if you come across a short elven figure pressuring you to act naughty this coming year, you have a choice to make: Will you help to give an elf a break, or hold out for that iPod nano? The choice is yours.

Well my beloved friends, it’s good to be back. After being cut off from the online world for almost a week due to my computer randomly deciding to stop using the internet, I’m finally back in the digital realm. And I owe it all to my good friend Mr. Dave Lapsley, notorious tinkerer and computer guru. I was so grateful for his assistance, triumphing where many others (some paid, some unpaid) had failed with flying colours, that I asked him to be in my wedding party.

This post, however, is about one of the coolest short videos I’ve seen in many, many hours. It originally appeared on SNL, but through the miracle of modern digital technology, I’m able to provide a link to it online. It’s a rap about two guys going to see The Chronicles of Narnia, and let me say this: It is the opposite of not-funny. Check it out, and laugh, for laughter is always something you can have more of.

Also, Merry Christmas, if I haven’t told you in person yet.

As I was taking my morning shower earlier today, a strange thought entered my mind. I believe it occurred to me sometime between washing my hair, and standing under the water trying to remember if I had actually washed my hair yet. Yes, admit it, sometimes you forget too.

Here is the thought: You know how there are those fish who eat the scum off the bottom of your aquarium? I would look up the actual name for this type of fish, but, wouldn’t you know it, I don’t feel like it. However, it’s the concept of these fish that you have to keep in mind here. Now, imagine that we could somehow genetically engineer a fish who would feed not off of aquarium-scum, but off of the scum from your own body! You could have a bath with these fish, let them nibble on you for a while, and step out of the bath completely clean, without the need for soap!

Of course, the fish would have to be engineered in such a way as to allow them to survive comfortably in hot water, since I wouldn’t like to take a fish-bath in cold water on a regular basis. Also, the nibbling process might be a little awkward for some people, especially when it comes to cleaning those areas which are more… umm… delicate?

I even came up with a name for these fish. “Suckle Guppies”. I don’t know if our average run-of-the-mill guppies are anything like this new fish, but I think the name works.

Besides coming up with a name, in a fury of shower-induced creativity, I also came up with a theme song for these fish. It is sung to the tune of “Snuggle Puppies“, with lyrics that are only slightly altered:

Oooo, Suckle Guppy of mine,
You nibble my body while you feed on my grime,
I love what you are, and I love what you do,
Hungry little Suckle Guppy, I love you!

Friends, I believe that this idea will usher in a new age of innovative alternatives to the modern shower/bath monopoly on full-body cleanliness. Just remember, you heard it here first.

So, the other day I was having a parsley-eating contest with an albino walrus, and just when… What’s that you say? You heard somewhere that Larissa and I got engaged, and would like to hear the story? Well, alright. But try not to interrupt my posts in the future. Okay? Good. Here we go:

Larissa and I had been talking about the possibility probability of getting married for a while now, and had even made a very educational visit to Spence Diamonds, where I had spoken privately with a salesperson and handed him a substantial part of my savings in order to acquire a band of white-gold with a shiny chunk of carbon attached to it. So Larissa knew that the ring was coming, she just didn’t know when, where, or how.

I myself had very little idea as to how to propose, but I did know that I wanted it to be romantic and unexpected. I searched online for stories about how other men had proposed to their future wives, and most of them followed a few standard plotlines: He had taken her out to some restaurant or outdoor hiking-type-area that had special significance for the couple, given her some flowers or maybe sung her a song, and then got on his knee and popped the question. Another popular idea was to hide the ring somewhere, and have the girl find it unexpectedly. Somewhere like in her champagne glass, or her salad.

Now, here’s the problem when it came to translating these ideas into Darren-and-Larissa-mode: Larissa and I don’t really have a special place to go - We spend most of our time at each others’ apartments, or visiting friends’ houses. We have no special restaurant, because we each like to try new things, and don’t often go to the same restaurant twice. The exception to the rule might be Swiss Chalet, but only because it’s one of the few sit-down places that Chuck will agree to sit down at. We hang out with Chuck a lot.

My other concern was that I didn’t really want to hide the ring somewhere for Larissa to find. There’s the possibility that she might not find it, or that it gets lost in the hiding process. Even worse, if it was hidden in food or drink, it could get eaten or drunk, and that would not be a good start to a healthy marriage. “Yeah honey, you’re gonna have to carefully examine your feces for the next few days, and when you find something bright and shiny, call me, because I’ll have a question to ask you…”

Larissa and I had been planning a trip to Edmonton to visit Larissa’s sister Alicia and her family. Alaina, another sister of Larissa’s, is living with Alicia at the moment, so she would be there too. Their youngest sister, Leona, was also planning on flying out there for the same weekend, so it would be one of the only times that Larissa would get to see all of her sisters at once. The idea of proposing to Larissa in Edmonton seemed to be a workable option - A place where all of her sisters were gathered qualifies as special, and it would certainly be unexpected if there was some romantic set-up to surprise her with.

So I called up Alicia, and we started talking about ideas. We came up with a plan which involved me sending Alicia about 30 pictures of Larissa and I, and creating a sort of tribute-gallery in one of the rooms of Alicia’s new house. I’ll explain the rest of the set-up and execution of the plan when we get to that part of the story.

The day that Larissa and I were leaving to fly out west, both of us had to work in the morning, and the plan was to meet at my apartment at 3pm so that we could be at Toronto Airport by 6:30pm, when our flight was scheduled to leave. I got home at 2pm, with only an hour to shower, change, pack, and most importantly, call Larissa’s dad and ask his permission to propose.

I called him as soon as I came in the door, only to get the answering machine, and was forced to leave him a message telling him to call me as soon as possible. By 3:05pm, when Larissa had not yet arrived, and her dad had still not called, I was getting nervous. More nervous than I was already. Which was already pretty darn nervous.

Finally, at 3:10, my phone rang, and Larissa’s father was on the other end of it. I said something along the lines of “I know this is a little rushed, but I don’t have a lot of time. I was calling to tell you that I’d really like to marry your daughter.” His immediate response was “What took you so long?!”, followed by some very kind words assuring me that both he and Larissa’s mother would be very happy to have me in their family.

After being on the phone for about 2 minutes, I heard my door opening, and quickly said “Larissa’s here! I gotta go! Thanks! Bye!” Larissa asked me “Who were you just talking to?” Not wanting to start out the engagement plan with a complete lie, I said “Your parents - they were just checking on some of the travel plans…” which was true, since the engagement was part of the plan. Then I changed the subject very quickly, and we gathered our things and left for the airport.

We parked our car with a very handy airport-parking service, and made it to our plane without incident. In fact, the entire plane ride was great, until we began landing procedures. That’s when Larissa shifted into “freak-out mode”.

You see, Larissa had been sleeping for the last half-hour of the flight, and was resting her head by planting her right eye on my left shoulder. When she woke up (during the announcement that we were beginning our decent) her eye was all blurry from the pressure of it being pressed on my shoulder. That was the first part of Larissa freaking out. (She had had laser-eye surgery earlier this year, and was afraid that she may have done damage to the eye tissue).

The second issue was the fact that Larissa gets agonizing pains in her inner-ears due to the pressure of changing altitudes (a fact I was unaware of until that very day), so besides being partially blinded, she was also dealing with the feeling that her skull was being sliced open in two places by ice-covered razor blades.

So Larissa pretty much cried for the entire 20 min decent of the plane, while I did my best to hold her hand and assure her that everything would be fine after we landed, and that her eyesight would be back to normal before we left the airport. I also prayed like crazy that Larissa would be in a stable enough emotional state for me to propose that evening.

Sure enough, by the time we made it through the airport and met Alicia (who had come to pick us up), Larissa was fine, and tear-free. This was my first time meeting Alica face-to-face, and I scanned her expression for any sign as to how our plans had come together. Her face said nothing, so I assumed that everything was a go.

When we arrived at the house, I immediately took in the luggage, while Alicia took Larissa into the garage to show her the new Mitsubishi Outlander that Alicia and her husband had recently bought. I checked that the engagement set up was all in order, looked in the mirror to make sure that I didn’t have anything embarrassing stuck to my teeth or on my face (which would ruin the mood of the proposal), and then came out to the garage to bring Larissa inside.

As she came through the door, the floor was lined with tea-lights (those are very small candles, for those men who, like me, aren’t up on their candle-nomenclature) which made a path leading into another room down the hall. That room had been cleared of its furniture, and decorated with those pictures of Larissa and I that I mentioned above, making it look like a sort of art gallery in tribute to our relationship. There were more candles all around the room, and a blanket for me to kneel on. In any situation other than “about to propose”, the setup would have been a little creepy (like the inner sanctum of a “Darren & Larissa cult”), but in this situation, it was extremely romantic.

Larissa was surprised, but as soon as she saw the candles, she knew what was coming. I was surprised by how tongue-tied I had suddenly become. I can’t remember the last time I felt awkward around Larissa, but as soon as it came to the point of what to say as I proposed, any sort of speech I had planned in my head disappeared, and was replaced by my inner-monologue voice saying “You only get one shot at this, so you better make it good. This is the story you’re going to be telling everyone after you get back home.”

To be honest, I have very little recollection of what actually came out of my mouth. It was something about this past year, and bringing healing to one another, and how much I loved her, and somewhere in there I thought “I better give her the ring and actually ask her to marry me.” So I got down on my knee, pulled out the ring, and asked her to be my wife. She said yes, which made me very happy, since hearing a “no” at the point would make for a very awkward weekend. I put the ring on her finger, and we hugged each other for a few minutes, trying to drink the moment in.

Then Larissa’s sisters and Alicia’s husband Ben all came into the room, and there were hugs and smiles and congratulations all around. We also had some cheesecake.

Addendum: After the eating and drinking, we decided it would be a good idea to call our parents and tell them the news. The funniest part was Larissa’s conversation with her mom, which went something like this:

“Hi mom!…Yep, we got here alright…The flight was fine…No, it’s not too cold here…We parked our car with a service near the airport…Alright mom! Stop! I’m getting married!…..[Sigh] We parked the car with Skyparx!!!”

I could just imagine what was being said on the other end of the line at that last part: “…That’s great that you’re getting married, but did you find a good service to park the car with?”

To read about these events from Larissa’s perspective, check out this post on her Wedding Blog.

The humour formula has finally been cracked. Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic strip, has put up and amazing post on his blog, explaining how to create humour in whatever project you’re working on (in his case, it’s cartooning).

Being a person who makes an honest effort to inject humour into every post I make, this formula is extremely helpful in constructing a conceptual framework for injecting “funny” into my blog on a consistent basis.

Yet somehow by writing this, I’ve taken the “funny” out of the topic of humour. Where does that leave us? Falling funnybone-first into irony, I suppose. Oh, there’s a bit of funny coming back again. It’s gone. It’s here? It’s gone. Sigh.

A very short video of a man who breaks all ten commandments before breakfast. Sent to me via Dave Lapsley via Todd Brown over at Twitchfilm.net. Very cool stuff.

Click here to check out the video.

I love yellow cars. It doesn’t matter which make, model, or year - As long as it’s yellow, I think it looks amazing.

I think this obsession goes back to my early childhood: Yellow was the colour of the sun, of happy faces, and of bananas (my favourite sandwich when I was younger used to be peanut butter and banana. In fact, I think it still is. I wonder why I don’t eat it more often…)

Even now, I can’t think of any negative association with the colour yellow. Fire - looks nice, and is warm. Stoplights - let you know that you should speed up to make the light. Skin on The Simpsons - The funniest cartoon ever made (in the early years, mostly). Gold - valuable and shiny. Daffodils - Known to Larissa as “The Happy Flower”. Yellow Pages - Tells me who to call for pizza.

My dream is to one day own a yellow car. Well, one of my dreams. I also would like to develop telekinesis, but that’s a topic for another post.

Larissa thinks I’m nuts for liking yellow cars. I was driving her and her family crazy last weekend in Edmonton where, instead of pointing out Mitsubishi Outlanders like the children were doing, I was shouting “yellow car!” every time I saw one, in the hopes that I could convert others to my happy-car dream. So far it’s not working, but I have not given up hope. Having said that, I could use some support here.

So, if you can understand the yellow car dream, and especially if you yourself currently own, or have owned in the past, a car of yellow-persuasion, please leave me a comment, and keep the dream alive!

Honestly, look at that picture above. Doesn’t that just look like happy on wheels?