Inside Darren

Larissa says that when I come home from work these days, I smell like “the inside of a spring roll”.

We just finished watching the movie Crash, which I’ve owned on DVD for at least 4 months, but which neither Larissa nor I had got around to watching until tonight. Excellent movie. I think its main point was “there are no easy answers to the racism problem”, but it did a great job of stretching that thought over 122 minutes.

I recently talked Bell Canada out of charging us a $100 termination fee when we decided to cancel our DSL internet service. Larissa told me that she was amazingly proud to have me for a husband after I hung up the phone. I’m actually considering starting a business talking to call centers on behalf of other people who are afraid to ask for their money back. I think the market for a service like that is pretty huge.

I had the chance to see an advanced screening of Superman Returns yesterday, but I didn’t. Larissa was feeling sick, and I decided to stay home with her. She told me I didn’t have to, but she was really happy that I did. That, my unmarried friends, is what you call making the right decision.

We are faced with the trouble of having to throw out 3/4 of an entire watermelon, because the task of slicing up and eating it all was too daunting. But then, the act of throwing out that much food makes me feel like a wasteful, gluttonous, North American pig, who is single-handedly responsible for African famine. I can’t leave it rotting in the fridge, and I feel like a jerk hauling it to the garbage bin. It’s lose-lose. The lesson here? Don’t buy watermelon.

I am currently receiving somewhere in the range of 20 spam comments per 24 hour period. Is this normal for a blog that gets only 20-30 visitors per day? Somewhere out there at Internet Spamming Headquarters, I believe the following conversation has taken place:

Spammer 1: Hey, this Darren guy’s blog has decent writing and pretty pictures. Do you think we could get away with some ringtone, viagra, and penis-enlargement spam in his comments section?

Spammer 2: Does the guy get decent traffic?

Spammer 1: He’s ranked 4/10 with Google’s Pagerank service, so the site can’t be that small. Although most of his comments are from Canadians.

Spammer 2: Well, Canadians need to keep their newly-enlarged penises erect while answering cell phones whose ringers play Nickelback tunes too, you know.

Spammer 1: Point taken. Engaging spam.

Needless to say, I’m now moderating all the comments before they’re posted. So if you’re wondering why you don’t see your comment till a few hours later, that’s why.

Freakin’ spammers.

Larissa and I watched The Sixth Sense earlier tonight. You know, the “I see dead people” movie. Here’s the crazy thing about it: Larissa had seen it before, but COULDN’T REMEMBER THE TWIST ENDING.

As we approached the last 3 minutes of the movie, the tiny shards of memory that she still retained from having seen it before started asserting themselves, and she began to throw out some hypotheses. “Oh! He sees dead people too! No! His wife is actually dead! Oh wait… WHAT?! HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?!”

When it was finally over, she turned to me and said “That was a really great movie! Did it win any awards? It must have!”

So, just to sum up here, she had seen the movie before, she hadn’t fallen asleep the first time, and she absolutely enjoyed it (meaning that she didn’t forget it because she thought it was mediocre), and yet she still forgot the twist ending.

I’m just waiting for the day when I wake up next to her, and have to re-introduce myself to her as her husband. Memento, anyone?

Had my second day of cookery at the Viet-Thai restaurant today, and somehow managed to make it through the entire day without poisoning a single customer! I figure it’s only a matter of time until I mix up the containers for “dried onions” and “rat poison” though, so it’s a good thing it’s only a two month stint for me.

For lunch today I had what was possibly the best tasting plate of pad thai that I have ever eaten, and as I was eating it, I kept thinking to myself “I can eat this five days a week, for free, for the next 2 months, if I want to”. For a few brief moments, I felt like the most privileged person this side of the Welland Canal.

The first time I tried pad thai was with my buddy Dave Lapsley when he took me out to eat at The Salad King in Toronto. Dave has been known to eat 2 or 3 orders of this dish in succession, he likes it so much. Incidentally, for a restaurant called The Salad King, there’s not a single salad on the menu. Go figure. [Late addition: I just found out they have 2 salads, newly added to the menu. Go figure.]

Dave is going on tour this summer with a play called The Word of God Abridged. It’s a 3-man comedy show that he performed at the Fringe Festival in Toronto last year, and it received glowing reviews from nearly every critic. This year he’s taking the show on the road out west, and hoping to be able to do so without going broke in the process.

There was a fundraiser event for the tour last night, but after a long day at work I found that I had started to feel a bit sick (sore throat, achy joints, clogged sinuses - and no, it wasn’t from the restaurant, since I had started to feel this way before going to work), so Larissa and I decided to spend the night with my family in Hamilton, rather than be faced with an almost 2 hour drive home from Toronto in the middle of the night after the fundraiser shut down.

I feel bad that I couldn’t make it to Dave’s gig, but I did contribute to the evening by donating two items for the silent auction, which I’m hoping fetched Dave some money. They were unwanted wedding gifts, and just in case the people who gave us these gifts actually read this blog, I won’t tell you what the items were. I will say that Larissa and I do have wedding gifts which we are too embarrassed to even donate to Dave. The plan is to destroy these particular gifts in an elaborate ceremony involving a large bonfire, a circle of salt, and an albino ferret.

So Dave, if you read this blog, I hope things went well last night, and I’m sorry Larissa and I couldn’t make it. I know you were planning on publicly waxing your chest if you got enough donations, so if you have some time in the next few days, feel free to haul your smooth-breasted physique over to my restaurant, and eat some of the best freakin’ pad thai around. I promise I won’t spit in your bean sprouts.

I re-entered the ranks of the working world today. I never thought that I would be doing this, but as of this morning, I am the soup-maker and pad-thai garnisher at the Viet-Thai restaurant at the end of my street.

Larissa and I were driving by it the other day, and saw a sign that said “Help Wanted”. I went inside, talked to the boss (a Cambodian grandmother who runs the place with the better part of the rest of her family), left a resume, and was called back that evening to come in for an interview the next day. The interview consisted of a tour around the kitchen, some info about hours and wages, and a request that I come in at 10am the next day (today) for training.

Now, I have to make it clear that I have very little cooking experience in my own home, let alone professionally. And the closest I have ever come to preparing Asian food of any sort is reheating leftover Chinese. However, none of this seemed to matter to my new boss, as she said that she would train me.

I’d like to say that I was hired on looks alone, but even that seems iffy.

So this morning at 10am I drove 2 min down the street and embarked upon my journey towards Asian culinary mastery. I chopped more green beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, and lemons than I have in my entire life, in total, up till today. I also shelled a few hundred shrimp, gaped in awe at those who have mastered using a wok professionally, and learned the secrets of curry dishes and “hot and sour” soup.

My boss is the most laid back restaurant owner I have ever met. In her Cambodian accent, she demonstrated each aspect of my responsibilities, usually ending her sentences with “See? Easy!” When I asked her about my hours she said “Start at 10am, and finish at 5:30 or 6pm. If it’s slow in the afternoon, you can go home for a few hours and visit with your wife. Good?” She also said “I know it’s not a great job - If you find something better, just let me know. I’ll understand.”

So while I’m making a third of the wage of my last job, I’m learning some new skills, meeting new people, interacting with a different culture, eating for free, and working at a job I can walk to in less than 15 minutes. Not an entirely bad situation, and it’s only until I start school in September. And best of all, if I find a better job, I’ve already been given permission to quit without guilt!

Life is, indeed, filled with twists and turns that you’d never expect. One day you’re an unemployed newlywed, and the next day you’re coming home smelling like sticky-rice and curry.

Well my friends, it’s time to gratify the ol’ “show and tell complex” and share with you some of the music that’s been stuck in my brain lately.

I’m linking to each of these through YouTube. You can watch them on this page by clicking on the play button in the lower left of each video. If they don’t play for you, you either need to get a plug-in for your browser, need to try a different browser (Firefox or Internet Explorer should both work), need to get faster internet service, or need to get a better computer.

This first song is by Tenacious D, and I’m gonna warn you now - It gets stuck in my head like CRAZY! The video is also freakin’ hilarious, so check it out. If you don’t at least crack a smile when Jack Black says “Rock!”, you need to spend some time smacking your own face until your soul wakes up again.

This next video is by Anberlin, a group that I had never heard of until I saw them on Relavent TV. The video is moving, and the song is rockin’.

I had never really paid much attention to The All American Rejects before, but as soon as I heard the chorus for this song, it was stuck in my head for weeks. The song is amazingly catchy, and the video concept ain’t bad either.

Yes, I know that I am quite possibly sacrificing what little manliness I possess by posting a Natasha Bedingfield video on my blog, but I would be remiss if I neglected to share this song with all of you. I love how this video can show Ms. Bedingfield as being beautiful without being skanky, and how it so vibrantly visualizes the joy that this song conveys.

For a long time, I tried to resist jumping onto the Switchfoot bandwagon, but after having so many quality songs being played on mainstream radio, I had to give in and admit that this band is doing something right. This video for We Are One Tonight is reminescent of the video for Move Along up above, but only towards the end. Once again, a freakin’ catchy song, and the scene transitions in the video are clever enough to keep you watching.

This final video comes courtesy of Hardcore Joel, who I can honestly say has never slapped me with a fish. He seems to like this Rosie Thomas girl a lot, and while the stop-motion animation in the video for this song creeps me out a bit, I listened to the song itself six times in a row. Enjoy!

The McDonald’s restaurants in our area have a very interesting promotion going on at the moment. If you order an extra value meal, for just a dollar more, you can find yourself in possession of a “Peanut Butter Kit Kat” bar AND a coupon for a free Pay Day lottery ticket. A winning ticket will pay you $1000 per week for life, which is nothing to be scoffed at.

It’s really an excellent deal, since the chocolate bar would normally cost a dollar by itself, and it’s like you’re getting a chance at lifelong financial security for free. On top of this, I would never think to buy a Peanut Butter Kit Kat if I saw it at the store, but after having been roped into buying this chocolate bar through the McDonald’s deal, I discovered that Peanut Butter Kit Kats are, indeed, tasty.

One has time to blog about things like the latest McDonald’s promotions when one is unemployed.

You know, it truly was my plan to find a job within a week of coming back from my honeymoon (the wedding was exactly a month ago today), but the unique combination of being able to sleep in every day and having my wife at home with me morning and night (until she starts work in July) has made it very hard to summon the motivation to search for work.

Logically, you would think that having a lot of free time would lend itself to a high level of productivity, but surprisingly, it does not. Laziness, it would seem, tends to beget laziness, and thus, when presented with an extended bout of nothing to do, the desire to do nothing grows stronger, and the desire to once again enter productive society shrinks to molecular proportions.

I’m sure you can all relate to this experience, especially when you’ve had one of those lazy times - an unplanned Saturday, or a long weekend spent at home - where you sleep-in till noon, eat a pile of leftovers and junk food, and feel like a bloated slug who can participate in no physical exertion beyond the mouse-clicking of Zuma.

Conversely, I remember back when I was in university and overloaded with projects and homework, I still had time for hobbies, a part-time job, and an active social life. And I remember those rare occasions when I would shift into “productivity mode” and whip through my apartment, accomplishing a month’s worth of cleaning and organization in a few hours. It’s like, once you get going, you get an adrenaline surge that you can ride out for the rest of the afternoon.

As the saying goes, “If you want something done, ask a busy person”. Just as laziness begets laziness, people who are busy get more done.

Now, to tie this back to the McDonald’s promotion, I was thinking about what my lifestyle would look like if I were to win that Pay Day lottery. I wouldn’t be filthy rich, but I could certainly afford to sit at home and do nothing, if I were so inclined. From time to time I’ve purchased real lottery tickets as well (but only when it goes over 20 million - I want a $1 to $10,000,000 return on my investment, minimum), and if I were to claim that kind of jackpot, I would be set for life.

But what would I do with all my free time? Sure, some of that time would have to be spent managing investments and taking care of day-to-day things like eating, peeing, and social engagements, but if I had no reason to be employed, would I end up passing every day like a long-weekend-couch-potato? Would I spend the rest of my life feeling like a lazy slob? This last month since the wedding would seem to suggest that it would be a frighteningly real possibility.

I think that’s why rich people end up doing stupid things like… I don’t know… crack, or golfing, or joining Scientology. They’re simply very, very bored, and have nothing better to do with their time.

So my friends, in conclusion, work hard, play hard, and instead of whining that you haven’t won the lottery, take time to enjoy the simpler, less expensive things in life, like the joy earned in a job well done, and Peanut Butter Kit Kats.

Many of you are probably familiar with the Dilbert comic strip. You know, that one with the nerdy guy whose necktie always has an erection, and the dog who hires himself out as a business consultant in order to inflict canine evil upon the human populace.

Anyway, the writer of the Dilbert comics, Scott Adams, writes a blog that is entertaining, informative, thought-provoking, and fairly-consistantly hilarious. He also gets more reader comments than any other blog I have ever encountered in my (albeit limited) internet blog-reading experience.

One of his most recent posts asked his readers to submit comments relating some of their most amazing personal stories. As of this posting, there are 416 submissions, and after having read through almost all of them, I have to say that these stories are well worth checking out for yourself.

So swing on over to The Dilbert Blog, grab yourself a tasty beverage (fruit-based or caffine-based is always nice), and treat yourself to some amazing true stories of amazingness.

The road trip is over! Yes, it was short, but not without its fun. We could have traveled longer, but we had to be back by Friday for the installation of our cable TV. Not that we’re big TV watchers, but it sucks being the only people in the world who don’t know who’s winning the world cup matches.

After spending a leisurely morning at Larissa’s parents’ place, we headed out to the London (Ontario) airport, along with Leona and Larissa’s dad, to meet Larissa’s mom as she arrived home from Edmonton. The plane came in right on time, and without further ado, we all went to The Mandarin for the best Chinese buffet this side of Beijing.

The thing about the Mandarin is this - the food is so good, and the selection so wide, that you can’t sample everything you want without stuffing yourself silly. So you’re always left wanting more, yet unable to stomach it without a serious bout of purging. On top of this, ever since Larissa and I have been together, I’ve gotten into the habit of eating whatever she can’t finish whenever we go out to restaurants. This has lead me to put on a few extra “marriage pounds”. In the end, I had to conquer my warring eating desires and settle for being merely “stuffed to the point of moaning” rather than “stuffed to the point of pain-induced coma”.

After leaving the Mandarin, Larissa and I spent some time shopping and looking for a store that carried Five Crowns, the card game I mentioned in my previous post. We were unsuccessful in finding it at 3 different stores in London, so we decided to check into our hotel, the Howard Johnson (or, as we liked to call it, the “Ho-Jo”).

We spent some time, uh, “getting to know each other better” in our hotel room before checking out the indoor pool and hot tub. We had the entire facility to ourselves, so we started out in the hot tub, and then jumped straight into the slightly-more-chilly-than-expected pool water. The temperature shock was actually a lot of fun, so we went back and forth a few more times before deciding to leave the hotel and do some exploring of the surrounding area.

We found a park with a rollerblading path down the road, so we parked the car and bladed it for a good half-hour, seeing how far the path could take us, and how many bugs we could swallow before the gag reflex kicked in. It was the perfect amount of activity needed to burn off our excess Mandarin calories and give us a bit of an appetite for a late night snack.

We swung over to Crabby Joes, where they were serving half-price appetizers in front of a wall of big-screen TVs showing the 5th game of the Stanley Cup. After enjoying some buffalo chicken quesadillas, cheese sticks, chicken wings, deep fried shrimp, and a couple strawberry daiquiris, we were ready to crash, so we went back to the hotel, got cozy in bed, and watched the end of the hockey game in each others’ arms.

That’s what you call love up here in Canada.

The next morning, we spent some more time enjoying the amenities that our hotel room had to offer (i.e. each other) and grabbed a late breakfast at Smitty’s restaurant. We then hit the road for the hour-long drive to Hamilton, where we caught up with my mom and heard all about the 3 week European cruise that she and my dad just returned home from. They had seen so many places that she could hardly remember them all, and Larissa was killing herself laughing when my mom would say things like “Here’s a picture of an underground cistern. I don’t remember seeing an underground cistern, but we have a picture of it, so I guess we saw it”.

After grabbing some mail from my old apartment, we trekked off to Grimsby and visited Larissa’s other grandma (the one we didn’t visit in the previous post). Yes my friends, this road trip was action-packed, I tell ya. We took Grandma to Swiss Chalet for dinner (actually, she took us there for dinner) and jumped back in our car just in time to hit the shopping mall near our house before it closed. We had to pick up our digital cable receiver so that the guy can install it tomorrow.

While at the mall, we decided to check one last toy/games store and see if they had that Five Crowns game, and we finally found it! We snagged the last copy of it, and the guy at the store said that they continually have people coming in and asking them to order it in for them. I said to him “I’m surprised that with so many people asking for it, no other store thinks to stock it, and you only have this one!”

I can’t remember how he replied to me. I think he just stared blankly at me. I tend to elicit that reaction in a lot of people.

Larissa and I are now safely home, happy to sleep in our own bed once more, and ready to tackle the rest of the stuff that we’ve been neglecting around our apartment (like taking out the garbage with the week-old banana peels).

I should say that we did have more exciting things planned for our road trip other than visiting nearly every living blood relative in our ancestry, but most of the plans fell through. That’s what happens when two currently unemployed newlyweds try to make plans with people who, you know, work and have lives and stuff.

So for those of you who we didn’t get to see but meant to - we’ll make alternate plans soon. And for those of you who want to visit us in St. Catharines, give me a shout, and we’ll give you directions to our place. We have comfy couches, a nice balcony, Sega Dreamcast, and as of tomorrow, cable.

Yes, Larissa and I have embarked upon a road trip. The reasoning behind this trip went something like this:

a) We’re both not working

b) We have no obligations till Friday

c) Our apartment is shutting off our hot water all day on Tuesday

d) Why don’t we visit some folks that we rarely get to see?

So this morning Larissa and I packed up the car with some extra t-shirts and a few changes of underwear, and set out to find what adventure may lie ahead of us.

Our first stop was Grandma Jonkman’s place - a cozy little retirement complex out in Listowel. We had an extremely pleasing lunch consisting of turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes, topped off with cake and ice cream. Afterwards, we talked about World Cup standings, the fate of the Edmonton Oilers, and played a few rounds of a card game called Five Crowns.

I’m very pleased to say that I beat Larissa in 3 out of 4 rounds of this game. Many of you may shrug your shoulders at this news, thinking that it’s of little consequence, but let me tell you: It is a rare and joyous occasion when I beat Larissa at any card game. Not only is she female, but she’s half Dutch - a lethal combination that usually spells disaster for any opponent of hers in cards. However, it appears that Larissa has passed her card-playing skills to me through marriage, because I whooped her shamelessly today.

Please don’t quote the last part of that sentence out of context.

Anyway, after hangin’ with Grandma, we made a few quick stops at Canadian Tire and Zellers to pick up window-covering apparatuses (apparati?) and Fathers’ Day cards. We then jumped back into the car and hightailed it to Forest, to visit Larissa’s parents’.

Dad and Leona were the only ones around (Larissa’s mom is out west until tomorrow), so we chowed down on some tasty roast beef and spent time catching up on the latest goings-on.

After dinner I was suddenly overcome with a nasty bout of acid-crap, so I grabbed a nearby Chuck Swindoll book and spent the next 20 min wrestling with my bowels while reading short, pithy insights into the modern conservative Christian experience. In the end I successfully exorcised the toxins from my anus, and vowed that I would never read Chuck Swindoll again.

7 flushes, by the way.

The evening was spent playing another card game with Larissa, her dad, and Leona. The game was called Wizard, and it’s like Euchre, but with a few extra cards, and no partners. I am notorious for losing at this game, and losing horribly. However, once again, I am proud to say that, not only did I beat Larissa, not only did I win the entire game, but I won BIG. So big that I actually felt bad gloating.

Yes, the skill of the Dutch has indeed been passed unto me.

I’m now sitting at Leona’s computer, recording the highlights of my day, and contemplating tomorrow’s excitement. I may not be able to post tomorrow, but I’ll make sure to keep you all informed about the progress of this road trip when I have the opportunity to write again.

So, sleep tight my friends, and stay tuned for more excitement!