Inside Darren

Larissa and I live in an apartment that backs onto a large field, with several trees immediately outside our bedroom window. We also live in an apartment that has absolutely no air conditioning. We therefore have to leave our windows open almost constantly in the summer, just to get some airflow and a bit of a cooling breeze.

In the evening it’s generally cool enough that we can sleep quite comfortably with our bedroom window open. The only problem is that each morning, at about 4:30 or 5am, the trees outside our window are filled with birds, who feel an incessant need to chirp like crazy until the sun comes up.

I have a theory about these birds, and it might even be extended to a larger range of animal species. The theory is this: Every night, the birds are surprised that the sun has gone down, and when they see that the sky is starting to grow lighter in the east, they either a) think that they have to verbally persuade the sun to make it over the horizon, or b) are so surprised that the sun is coming back (again) that they have to announce it, loudly, to the rest of the bird kingdom, and possibly the world.

I think there is a basis for this theory in other parts of the animal realm. Roosters crowing in the morning could be an example of the same thing. Wolves howling at the moon could be a variation of this principle. It’s a form of conditioning, in that every time the animals exhibit this behaviour, they get the same result (the sun rises, and hence the conditioning is reinforced). And they’re unwilling to risk the consequences of there being no sun if they stop their chirping (or crowing, or what-have-you), and so continue this behaviour every morning until they die, or are killed by people who don’t like being awakened before 5:30am.

This leads into another theory I have about how we came to build houses out of wood, instead of living in caves, like our ancestors did. There must have been some ancient cave-dwelling folks who happened to have a bunch of trees near the opening of their cave, and were continually awakened at obscene hours of the morning by chirping birds. They went outside, chopped down the trees (assuming that they had already developed stone-based cutting tools), and thus eliminated the bird problem. They then thought to themselves “Hey, we could use this tree-material to build shelters anywhere we want, away from the caves AND the birds!”

Thus was born the lumber industry, the real estate industry, and anti noise-pollution associations.

As for Larissa and I, since we aren’t allowed to chop down the trees behind our apartment, we’re going to have to consider alternate means of shutting up the birds. I have a possible solution, but it still needs Larissa’s approval. My birthday is coming up in just over two weeks, and I think I’m going to ask for a pellet gun with a scope.