Inside Darren

That’s right: This blog is officially closed. The comments have been turned off, and no new posts will be appearing after this one. “But wait!”, you say, “Where can I get my daily dose of Darren-ness?!”

Fear not, my friends! DarrenConley.com is now up and fully running! All of the posts from this blog that you know and love have been transferred over, and the site design has been vastly improved. If you have a link to this blog saved in your bookmarks, or linked to from one of your posts, please be so kind as to point your browser to www.darrenconley.com instead.

It’s been a fun ride at this address, but the party is only going to get better at the new site, so stop reading this, and get your virtual hindquarters over to www.darrenconley.com!

Larissa had the hiccups last night.

When I find myself suffering from this particular affliction, I usually employ my highly developed mental control and physical awareness to simply “will” the hiccups to stop. Larissa, on the other hand, subscribes to the remedy of “drinking from the far side of a glass”. Executing this maneuver involves bending down at the waist so that you’re almost touching your toes, and tipping the water glass backwards so that the water is being poured onto the roof of your mouth. It’s a recipe for catastrophe, and one of the most ridiculous methods of curing hiccups that I’ve ever heard.

Conversely, Larissa finds my method of hiccup-curing to be equally ridiculous, so last night when she had the hiccups and I told her to “just stop” by power of her will, she sarcastically said “Alright, I’m going to stop hiccupping now!”

And what happened? She stopped! We waited 4 or 5 seconds in anticipatory silence to see if the cure had really taken effect, and it had! With “in your face!” triumph, I reveled in the victory of my hiccup-curing method, saying “You see! It really does work! It’s all about mind-over-body! Your stupid water-drinking thing is ridiculous!”

Larissa’s response? “No, it didn’t really work! I just happened to use up all of my hiccups just then!”

If I were to say that creativity is a rare trait in this world, I think that most people would agree with me. This is one of the reasons that we hold creative people in such high regard - If everyone could sculpt like Michelangelo, or write like Shakespeare, or create music like Mozart, there would be no lasting value to the works of these artists.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about creativity, the reason why it’s so rare, and how creative faculties have been built into the human race. Let me start my discussion of these ideas with the following scenario:

I remember back when the Nintendo 64 first came out, I didn’t have enough money to buy one, so I rented a system for the weekend, along with a copy of Super Mario 64. Since I knew that I only had Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday to get my money’s worth out of this game, I played it from early morning till late at night, stopping only for the occasional bathroom break, and some snacks.

At the end of that weekend, (besides being underfed and having a killer TV-headache), whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was that Italian plumber running around in his cartoon world. It was as if my brain had been fixated in one particular pattern of thinking for so long that it had to have a wind-down period before it could restore my thought-patterns back to normal. Much like a runner needing to walk for a while after a race, so his body can cool-down gradually.

In the midst of that state of mind, when all I could see was Mario behind my eyelids, the contents of those videogame-induced-visions were not always elements that were directly lifted from the game itself. Often I would see seemingly random variations of aspects of the game that had been altered slightly in my thoughts. New costume ideas or interesting abilities which had not been built into the game entered into my mind very easily when I was in this state.

The experience described above can be carried over into many different areas - Watch too much Star Wars, and you’ll see lightsaber duels played out in your head. Play too much Tetris, and everything will look like blocks for a while. Watch too much anime, and every time you close your eyes you’ll see giant robots and little girls with big eyes and schoolgirl outfits. The brain becomes saturated, and begins “overflowing”.

The point I want to make about this experience is that in the “overflow”, creativity seems to occur spontaneously. The saturated mind will not simply replay a carbon-copy of its input, but rather, it will modify or reconfigure the elements of the input in new ways. This aspect of the brain, I believe, is a major source of human creativity.

Having only had a little bit of training in Psychology (3 undergrad-level university courses, none of which I got an A grade in), I can’t offer an informed opinion about why the brain does this, but I can make what I believe is a reasonable guess:

I believe that when the mind is in a saturated state, it takes other elements of thoughts and memories, and allows them to “leak into” the saturated thoughts, creating mental images (output) which are novel, but which are actually composed of inputs from various times and sources. It’s like you’re making homemade chocolate from a specific recipe, but then, out of nowhere, some peanut butter gets thrown into the mix, and suddenly you have Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

This leads me to believe that many people who are involved in creative professions (say, clothing designers, or TV show writers) are simply people who allow their minds to become so saturated with the content of their art, that they begin to “overflow” and spontaneously mix in new elements, leading to new and creative ideas without the need for heavy mental exercise.

I believe that all (or nearly all) human minds are wired in this way, and therefore, creativity is something that should be a common experience to every individual. There are three main reasons why I think that, despite the brain being wired for creative output, creativity remains a rare trait in most peoples’ experiences.

First, most people do not allow their minds to be saturated to the overflow point. We limit our exposure to the arts so much that the input level is never high enough to drive up the output level. I realize this principle most clearly in my life when it comes to the connection between reading and writing. When I’m regularly reading each day, writing comes very easily. And if I’m reading comedy, I can write comedy with little effort. When I’m reading an autobiographical work, introspective writing flows naturally. If you want to have higher quality, consistent creative output in any area, you must make sure to have regular input from the same area.

A second reason for the rarity of creativity is that most people don’t have the time to be creative. Even if you reach that saturation point in your creative input, you still need to have time to sit down and capture the resulting creative output. You could stare at clothing catalogues and fashion magazines all day, but if you don’t set aside time for drawing new designs, it’s not going to happen. Sometimes I think that the people who succeed in creative fields are simply those who take the time to capture their thoughts, instead of keeping their ideas locked in the brain until they fade from memory.

The final reason is that people need to develop the skills necessary for capturing the creative output. It doesn’t matter how many amazing new paintings you can picture in your head - if you don’t know how to manipulate oil on canvas with a brush, your ideas will never be realized. Similarly, you can mentally compose all kinds of amazing new songs, but you’ll have to learn how to play an instrument, or at the very least, how to write musical notation, if you want to share your song with the outside world.

It amazes me to think that there could be hundreds of thousands of amazing artists out there who will never be able to realize their ideas because they haven’t had the necessary input stimuli, time, or skill development to bring their ideas out of their minds and into reality.

You who are reading this, keep in mind that you are wired for creativity. Take the time to read, listen, and look. Test your hand at sketching, taking photos, learning an instrument, or writing poetry. You may be a latent Picasso who never took the time to learn what painting was all about.

Here are two things to consider if you’re hoping to someday fly under your own power. By this I mean growing wings, using a rocket-pack, using telekinesis, or developing Superman-type flying powers:

1. It’s much colder at high altitudes, so make sure that you dress warmly if you’re hoping to fly any higher than a few meters off the ground. Even if you’re not especially high, the “wind chill” would probably be enough to make you fairly nipply after a few minutes of flight. I’m sure Superman could slice steel with his breasts alone after an evening of cruising at 2000 feet.

2. It’s very hard to breathe and see, once you pass a certain velocity (think about those times when you opened the window on the highway, and felt like you couldn’t properly inhale). You should therefore wear some sort of headgear which covers your entire mouth, but still offers adequate ventilation. This headgear would also serve to protect your eyes from the wind. A motorcycle helmet would probably be best.

I thought of this list while watching the first Superman movie, during the scene when he’s flying with the girl. She should have been blinded, suffocated, and really, really cold.

It’s amazing how prominent a role that cereal has played in my life. Most of my days, since I’ve been old enough to eat solid foods, have begun with the consumption of cereal. Cereal commercials were some of the first TV ads that stuck in my brain as a child (the jingles of which I can still remember today). Also, the cereal aisle in the grocery store is still my favourite aisle. There’s something comforting about seeing all those colourful cartoon characters staring out from the boxes at you, saying “We’re a part of a nutritious breakfast!”

However, there are some cereals that I do not find comforting. In fact, they can be downright psychologically distressing. You see, I have different eating habits for different types of cereal. You may even call them “cereal strategies”. The nature of the cereal itself determines the strategy one must employ in consuming it, and certain cereals demand strategies which can be extremely stressful.

Take for instance, Rice Krispies. I refuse to purchase Rice Krispies as an adult, because their puffiness makes me feel like I have to eat about 5 bowls of them to equal the equivalent mass of a single bowl of any other typical cereal. However, when I ate Rice Krispies as a child, this is the technique I would employ: The cereal is poured into the bowl. The milk is then poured directly into the centre of the bowl, creating a doughnut-shaped ring of un-milked Krispies. Brown sugar is added, to create flavour, all around the “dry ring”. You pick a spot to start eating, and eat around the ring until you’re finished.

Here’s where the stress comes in: I hate it when the brown sugar sinks into the milk and forms a sludge at the bottom of the bowl. It ceases to flavour the cereal, and becomes something that has to be scrapped off the bowl after the milk is gone. So as I’m eating my Rice Krispies, I’m in a constant battle to consume those portions of the cereal that are supporting the sugar in an unstable manner, so as to avoid a brown-sugar-avalanche into the milk. It requires careful spoon-work, and quick reaction time. And it stresses me out.

I also hate it when cereal gets soggy. I have no problem with it being a big pile of mush after I swallow it, but not before. A cereal like Golden Grahams pretty much turns to mush as soon as you pour the milk onto it. You have to wolf it down in 30 post-milk-seconds if you want to enjoy chewing it, and not simply drinking it. So I don’t even buy Golden Grahams anymore, despite my finding them quite tasty. Cinnamon Toast Crunch has the same issue. In fact, I will only eat this cereal completely dry, as a sort of dessert-snack. It functions quite well in this capacity.

Cap’n Crunch is an excellent choice to avoid the soggy issue, but many complain that it is in fact so hard and jagged, that it slices up the roof of their mouths into stringy ribbons of mouth-tissue. I myself used to have this same stressful experience, until I perfected a chewing technique (which unfortunately must be demonstrated, and cannot be described in words), and began flossing regularly, which toughened-up my gums. My only current issue with this cereal, which unfortunately cannot be solved through a simple chewing technique, is that there seems to be some addictive chemical in it which will not allow me to eat less than 3 bowls in a single sitting.

Frosted Flakes is a tasty cereal choice, and is also one of the less-expensive options at the grocery store. The issue with this cereal is that the milk actually washes-off the sugar coating of the cereal, leaving it bland and tasteless. My technique is to pour the milk at the very edge of the bowl, wetting as little of the cereal as possible, yet still providing enough moisture in the meal so as to avoid early-morning dehydration. I then eat from one side of the bowl to the other, making sure that there are some dry portions of cereal in every bite, thus ensuring a full, sugary taste-experience.

Shredded Wheat (the “spoon-sized” variety, not the big “haystacks”) can be very deceiving when you’re adding the milk, since each piece of cereal acts like a tiny sponge, soaking up the milk until it becomes engorged. The plus-side of this experience is that there is a delightful “squooshing” sensation as you bite each piece, and feel the milk squirting out into your mouth. The down side is that you are often left with a very tiny puddle of milk at the end of the bowl - far too little to quench your post-cereal thirst. I recommend adding some extra milk part-way through each bowl, after the majority of the Shredded Wheats have become saturated.

A final area of cereal-stress involves the adding of fruit. I personally feel that a bowl of Shreddies with sliced-up bananas is pretty close to a perfect breakfast cereal taste experience. There’s something about the combination of milk and banana (I’m sure that the banana-split capitalizes on the exhilaration of adding banana to dairy-product). However, I myself find it disappointing to run out of banana before I’ve run out of cereal. I therefore have to carefully measure each spoon-portion, so as to leave a single banana slice with a single mouthful of cereal at the end of the bowl. And that sort of portion-estimation is not something my mind cares to be bothered with first thing in the morning.

So you see, eating a bowl of cereal in the morning is much more than simply adding milk and digging-in. There are subtle psychological pressures which need to be weighed and examined. If I were to make any recommendation of a stress-free cereal option, I’d say to go with something like plain Shreddies, which offers an adequate resistance to sogginess, has enough sugar to be tasty without the need to add more, and is healthy enough to keep you pooping on a regular schedule.

I hope this journey into the cereal bowl has been enlightening for you, and I wish you all a stress-free cereal eating experience.

In this, the second post in our series of Writing for the Internet, we’ll take a look at a technique that is simple, yet surprisingly effective. That technique is using shorter paragraphs.

A paragraph is essentially an arbitrary concept of organization. It’s simply a way of splitting up the space on a page so that the reader is given a greater sense of the organization of ideas found on that page. It makes the text a little more pleasing to the eye by adding in some spatial dynamics to break up the large mass of words that the reader has to deal with.

There are some rough guidelines for when you should start new paragraphs - for instance, the start of a new paragraph should indicate the start of a new idea, or a new aspect of an idea you’re already discussing. But give a chunk of text to 5 different people, and each of them will have different ways of organizing it into paragraphs. Just like people have different ideas of what sizes of pancakes to make from a single bowl of batter.

When it comes to reading text on the internet, people are generally in a hurry - maybe because they use the internet at work, and can only sneak in a few minutes of personal reading here-and-there, or maybe because they think that there’s always something better to read on another webpage. We live in a fast-food culture, and the internet presents us with a pretty large buffet to snack from. In any case, people don’t want to be faced with a reading task that looks like it will take more than 20 or 30 seconds.

By writing in smaller paragraphs, a long post is made to look more “digestible”. Instead of being faced with a huge slab of meat to cut-up and chew, you give them bite-sized pieces to pop into their mouths. Wow, this post is making me hungry.

Let’s take a look at this concept in action. Take a quick look at Crush’s Chronicle, a blog written by Michelle Peters from Larissa’s church in Thorold, and which I personally enjoy reading on a regular basis. While the content itself is well-written, every post consists of a single, long paragraph. This can often be daunting for the reader, making you feel “lost” in the middle of what is being said.

Now, on the other side of things, consider The Dilbert Blog, written by Scott Adams, the creator of the popular Dilbert comic strip. Bite-sized paragraphs, most of them 6-lines or less. Lots of text, but very digestible.

So, if you’re in the habit of writing long posts, and would like people to enjoy reading your blog more, consider breaking up your text into smaller chunks. It’s always easier to eat potato chips one-at-a-time, then to try to swallow an entire potato.

And on that note, I’m getting something to eat.

Other posts in this series: Writing for the Internet Part 1

Try not to pick your nose while you’re driving your car. If you get in an accident, you might accidentally stab yourself in the brain, and that would be a very embarrassing story to tell.

That is, if your brain-stabbing left you with the capacity for speech.

Today, I begin the first in what could very well be a series of posts focused on “Writing for the Internet”. What makes me such an expert, you may ask? Well, I’m not an expert, but I do believe I’ve gained some knowledge in this area from having written and read many blog posts. Plus, I’ve done a fair bit of research into this area (in the hopes of improving my writing style), and since many of you write your own blogs, it’s only polite to share the knowledge I’ve acquired. Also, it makes me look smart.

So, without further ado, I give you the following:

A while back, I made a post about The Humour Formula, as it first appeared on The Dilbert Blog. Today, I’d like to give you, my loyal readers, some insight into how this formula can be applied when writing for the internet.

First, for those of you who were too lazy to read about the formula in the original post, I’ll summarize it here: In order for something to be funny, it has to combine at least 2 of the following 6 elements -

Cute

Naughty

Bizarre

Clever

Recognizable

Cruel

When one is trying to write something humourous, it is important to incorporate as many of these elements as possible into your post. For instance, consider this sentence -

“Watching you dance makes me feel aroused.”

Not very funny, is it? Now, consider this alteration -

“Watching you dance makes me want to eat at Denny’s.”

This is funnier, since it combines bizarre (what do dancing and eating have to do with each other?!) and recognizable (Denny’s is a well-known restaurant).

Let’s try combining a few different elements. For example, we can start with something cruel -

“You’re fat.”

Also not particularly funny on its own. Now, let’s add something else and see what happens -

“Watching you dance is like watching a proboscis monkey having a seizure. Also, you’re fat.”

By taking the cruel element, and adding in some clever (that bit about the proboscis monkey), humour is created. Fun, isn’t it?!

Now it’s your turn. Using either the comments section, or your own blog, try to write some funny posts by combining the elements above. The best one I read will get special mention on a future post. And possibly a prize. From my Christmas re-gifting pile.

There are few things in life that scare me. Being buried alive with a nest of tarantulas, pulling back a curtain from a window, only to find a crazed madman’s face pressed against the glass, and falling asleep while driving. This last item is especially bad, since it’s the only one of the list that has actually come close to happening to me. Also, it leads to certain death, or at least “certain maiming”.

In order to avoid losing consciousness whilst driving, it’s important to find a method to shake off the sandman until your car is firmly parked. Allow me to impart some of my wisdom to you, so that you’ll be assured of safe, sleep-free driving.

First, recognize when you are dangerously sleepy. Here are some signs to take notice of:

- You suddenly realize that you’re in a different lane, but don’t remember how you got there.

- A Nickelback song comes on the radio, but you don’t have the strength or motivation to change the station.

- While waiting at a stoplight, your brain tells you “Just take a quick nap here while you’re waiting. There’s no danger in that…” You then realize that this thought is, to use a technical term, nuts.

If you find yourself in any of these circumstances, you need help. Now, there are various techniques that people will often attempt, in order to maintain consciousness. These may seem like good ideas at the time, but allow me to point out some of their flaws.

- Roll down the windows and crank the radio. This may offer a brief respite from the urge to sleep, but eventually, all you’ll be thinking is “It’s windy and loud and boy could I ever fall asleep right now”.

- Singing to yourself. I’ve tried this, and inevitably, you come to a point in the song where you’re not sure of the lyrics, pause to think about them, and decide that sleeping would be less work than thinking.

- Have your Trunk Monkey give you a hearty slap in the face every few minutes. Unfortunately, most of us find ourselves without the benefit of owning a Trunk Monkey. If you have one, let me know how well this suggestion works.

I now present to you the one, flawless, proven method of staying awake while you drive:

Eat an apple.

It may sound simple, but consider the many ways in which this is a perfect suggestion:

First, I know that I’m never tired while I’m eating. Somehow, your body knows that eating is an important enough activity to retain its state of consciousness for.

Second, an apple takes a good 10 or 15 minutes to properly eat, which will hopefully allow you to cover a significant portion of your automobile journey.

Third, apples require a certain amount of concentration (avoiding the stem and core, rotating it as you work your way through it), and exerting this mental energy will keep you more awake.

Fourth, apples only require one hand, and have no wrapper, so you’ll be able to use your other hand to maintain control of the steering wheel the entire time.

Fifth, apples are bio-degradable, so when you’re finished, the core can be thrown out of the window of your car without guilt. Just try not to hit the other drivers near you when you do this.

Sixth, apples are good for you. You can increase your health, while avoiding being mangled in a fiery car wreck at the same time.

Seventh, and finally, apples are cheap. Cheap enough that you can eat one every day, without making a significant dent in your savings.

So there you have it - always bring an “emergency sleep apple” with you on those evening car rides, and your fear of sleep-induced-car-death will be avoided. I can’t say it will help with the tarantulas or crazed madmen, however.