Overworked Elf Encourages Children to Misbehave
As the “holiday lull” (that odd period of time between Christmas and New Year’s) weighs upon us, we bring you a strange and slightly disturbing piece of news from our contacts at the North Pole. Be warned, however, that if your children read this news, it could have dire repercussions for their behaviour at home.
One of the elves at Santa’s workshop, going only by the name “Twinkle” (possibly a pseudonym), is encouraging children to misbehave, in an effort to shorten Santa’s “Nice List”. According to Twinkle, 2005 was a particularly stressful year for the elven workers, and he’s hoping that a shorter Nice List will mean less long hours and tiring labour for Christmas 2006.
“Let’s face it,” says Twinkle, “Being an elf may have it’s benefits, but when it comes to working 12 hour shifts ‘on the line’ all year until Christmas, ‘minimum wage plus free candy canes’ just doesn’t cut it.”
While Santa himself could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson from the Elven Workers’ Union assured us that all the elves employed at Santa’s Workshop are indeed being treated fairly, and are enjoying the numerous benefits provided by their latest contract negotiation, including up to 3 weeks summer vacation, basic dental coverage, and a 15% discount at the local Starbucks.
“You non-elven-folk don’t know what it’s like to be put on reindeer duty first thing in the morning, and then still have to fill your toy quota before punching out,” complains Twinkle. “After shoveling 20 lbs of Rudolph’s ex-dinner, the last thing you want to do is sit at a conveyor belt soldering circuitboards for Roboraptors all day.”
In addition to the popular Roboraptor line, Santa’s workshop has also landed a lucrative contract for the manufacture of the Apple iPod nano, and is expected to be a major shipper of these products for this coming year. Santa himself handles the distribution of all products created at his facilities, and his distribution area is directly proportional to the number of children appearing on his Nice List. Children on the Naughty List are not factored into manufacturing quotas, and according to Twinkle, the lengthening of the Naughty List can only mean easier labour conditions for North Pole elves.
“I’d personally like to encourage every child to work extra hard at being naughty this year,” says Twinkle. “Burning Santa in effigy is always an easy route to the Naughty List, although every deliberately damaged household item or boldly proclaimed swear word helps. My personal goal is to see a 20% decline in the number of children on the Nice List by late October of 2006.”
With an estimated 2.1 billion children worldwide currently on Santa’s Nice List, it looks like Twinkle is going to have his work cut out for him. So if you come across a short elven figure pressuring you to act naughty this coming year, you have a choice to make: Will you help to give an elf a break, or hold out for that iPod nano? The choice is yours.
